I Own It (Third Impression)

I always knew it wasn’t right. I ignored my knowing. Maybe he was just having a bad day, or he drank too much. He just lost his mother, or his ex-wife wasn’t nice to him. I made excuses for everything he did.

In the beginning it was coming from a loving and compassionate place. I am a loving Mom, so I took care of him, somebody else’s kid. On a cellular level I knew there was something wrong with him, his character.  Over time I squashed my intuition. All the excuses took hold and I denied my wisdom. He really didn’t mean the names he called me, he is just tired. He called my fat, dumb. He told me I bring nothing to the table. Your family and friends laugh at you. You have a terrible job, you are not capable of taking care of yourself and your kids. You are an alcoholic, you are broke. I am glad your ex didn’t give you the money. You don’t deserve it. Why do you think your ex cheated on you?

I now realize I was making excuses for myself, so I didn’t look so bad by accepting the unacceptable! I denied myself the truth. I allowed him to trash me. When I started to wake up I broke up with him, over and over. He kept coming back, wearing me down. I allowed him to get me to the point of rage. I became him. I became vicious and said such mean things to him to get him away from me. I didn’t realize that I was giving him exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to viciously attack him, even to hit him. He wanted me to degrade myself. I have made myself sick by taking in his poison. You know the ‘pain in the ass’ I have? The pain that won’t go away. I know what that is all about now.

The irony: everything he said about me was actually true for him!

I gave him my power.  I denied myself my life. I ALLOWED THIS. How could I have taken away my own power and given it to this idiot? I am capable, smart, a good mother, friend, daughter, sister.

He inundated me with countless emails, texts and calls every minute of the day. Out of fear and loathing I focused my energies on him. Every minute of my waking life was focused on him and what he would say or do next. It changed the way I lived my life, the way I thought and felt. It changed the way I viewed myself. My life was no longer about me. It was about him.

It’s going to take a lot of work to undo the damage inside my head. Five years of brainwashing has taken its toll on me. If I engage in this energy, then I own it.

It’s not about me taking legal action against him, though that is probably coming. His toxic ways have invaded every aspect of my personality. It was like a wholesale invasion. I became him. I spewed it back to him. It makes me feel sick to know how I allowed myself to behave. I became who he wanted me to be. The things I loved and wanted to do I stopped because he was there. I gave up my most precious interests and the things that nurtured me. Hate changed me.

Bing barbed wire

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Are you in danger of becoming like your abuser?

If you stay long enough under the yoke of the abuser, you are at risk of conversion. How long can you take the manipulations, unjust attacks, torture before you turn to darkness yourself?

 

Your goodness, hope and charitable nature can turn to rage, hatred and the desire for revenge. Do you build up this fire of anger against the injustice? Do you find your body too small to contain the fire within? Are your thoughts turning more and more to violence? Can you find no peace, not even in sleep? Are you being overtaken with a dark urge to retaliate? Do you feel like a bomb ready to blow?

 

Do you find the abuser working relentlessly to trigger you? Do you feel like a trapped animal?

 

Consider the assumptions that make you stay. What holds you in the dark embrace? What hope do you still have, after all this time and pain, which fuels the suffering of daily betrayal?

 

Do you find yourself turning into your abuser, turning dark, bitter and explosive?

Fearless Eyes

 

HOPE

 

Can you say, “I am done. I have choices. I’ve had enough. This is not acceptable. I won’t live like this another minute. I pull the plug on my emotional connection with you. I take my power back and say yes to myself.”

volo spirituale