I always knew it wasn’t right. I ignored my knowing. Maybe he was just having a bad day, or he drank too much. He just lost his mother, or his ex-wife wasn’t nice to him. I made excuses for everything he did.
In the beginning it was coming from a loving and compassionate place. I am a loving Mom, so I took care of him, somebody else’s kid. On a cellular level I knew there was something wrong with him, his character. Over time I squashed my intuition. All the excuses took hold and I denied my wisdom. He really didn’t mean the names he called me, he is just tired. He called my fat, dumb. He told me I bring nothing to the table. Your family and friends laugh at you. You have a terrible job, you are not capable of taking care of yourself and your kids. You are an alcoholic, you are broke. I am glad your ex didn’t give you the money. You don’t deserve it. Why do you think your ex cheated on you?
I now realize I was making excuses for myself, so I didn’t look so bad by accepting the unacceptable! I denied myself the truth. I allowed him to trash me. When I started to wake up I broke up with him, over and over. He kept coming back, wearing me down. I allowed him to get me to the point of rage. I became him. I became vicious and said such mean things to him to get him away from me. I didn’t realize that I was giving him exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to viciously attack him, even to hit him. He wanted me to degrade myself. I have made myself sick by taking in his poison. You know the ‘pain in the ass’ I have? The pain that won’t go away. I know what that is all about now.
The irony: everything he said about me was actually true for him!
I gave him my power. I denied myself my life. I ALLOWED THIS. How could I have taken away my own power and given it to this idiot? I am capable, smart, a good mother, friend, daughter, sister.
He inundated me with countless emails, texts and calls every minute of the day. Out of fear and loathing I focused my energies on him. Every minute of my waking life was focused on him and what he would say or do next. It changed the way I lived my life, the way I thought and felt. It changed the way I viewed myself. My life was no longer about me. It was about him.
It’s going to take a lot of work to undo the damage inside my head. Five years of brainwashing has taken its toll on me. If I engage in this energy, then I own it.
It’s not about me taking legal action against him, though that is probably coming. His toxic ways have invaded every aspect of my personality. It was like a wholesale invasion. I became him. I spewed it back to him. It makes me feel sick to know how I allowed myself to behave. I became who he wanted me to be. The things I loved and wanted to do I stopped because he was there. I gave up my most precious interests and the things that nurtured me. Hate changed me.