Clearing the Path; Chapter Six

Here is Carla, brave Carla as she finally sees the figure of her mother appear:


Suddenly I could see an image of my mother. It was a picture of her that I remember. Whenever I tried to imagine her face, I could never grasp her image. It would always flicker. This time I was able to see the image clearly. She was sitting on the floor, leaning back on our old couch. She was wearing a dark gray Mickie Mouse t-shirt and pinkish-red pants. The image of her was clear, and I began to feel overwhelmed with emotions, but I was not scared of them this time. They were just there and it was ok.

The image did not last long. Soon it returned to the flickering image I can never grasp. Little Me was now behind the big white sparkly ripple, trapped in a gray vacuum, staring at the flickering image of her mother. Soon, images of words and comments that she has heard her whole life started floating into the room. “You should find her”, “Don’t you miss your mother?”, “She’s out there”, “You need to find her”. Words that she has heard over and over and words that she has said herself. They continued to float in until they were all crowded and jumbled, congesting the area.

fgoogle loating-letters-i-steven-gray

Little me felt overwhelmed and immediately started to curl into a little ball, as the weight of everything crushed her. When I told Cynthia, she encouraged me to give Little Me a choice. She could stay curled up in a ball, or not. I told Little Me she was strong and didn’t have to hide anymore. Light began to flow into her curled up areas and she tried to stand. As she stood, she felt the weight of all those words and comments and expectations pushing down on her, but it didn’t matter. She was strong and brave and she knew that it didn’t matter what the expectations were.

I told her that Little Me wanted to throw the words on the ground and stomp them out, crushing them into little pieces. So she started grabbing handfuls of the words and throwing them on the ground and jumping all over them, stomping them out.

As she did this, I described the sounds she was making to Cynthia. They were extremely satisfying guttural yells, screams and grunts. She was releasing all her frustration from years and years of this. She started grabbing bigger and bigger armfuls of the words and stomping them out. What she realized is that as she threw the words down, she actually cleaned the area. No new words floated back in.

Soon she had cleared an area about as long as a school bus. She was elated. When she turned around, she saw a long winding road that disappeared into the distance. The entire road was covered with these comments, words and expectations. She was overwhelmed with the amount of work ahead of her, so she decided to try something. She wanted to yell at the words, but she didn’t know what to say.

Soon the word “NO!” came to her and then, “NO MORE!”. She decided to yell the latter, so she walked up to the beginning of the trail of words, grabbed an arm full, pulled down on it and yelled from the pit of her stomach, “NO MORE!!!!!!!!”.

Google no_more

A large portion of the trail of words dropped to the ground. She walked over it to the next portions and realized that just walking over the words made them crumble. She didn’t even have to work hard to break them up. She did this two more times and the rest of the road fell to the ground. She walked over the debris and soon began to run.

Then she turned around and started running out of there. She wanted to yell at the plank and make it disappear. She felt brave and she ran as fast as she could. Somehow she was able to leave the gray vacuum and was back out in the grassy scene with the trees. It was still twilight and the air was crisp, so she ran with a smile on her face.

Once she arrived at a place where she thought the lock might be, she sat on the grass, cross-legged and just breathed. She suddenly felt doubt. She didn’t know how she was going to do it this time, so she just sat and breathed and remembered what she had just accomplished. Maybe this was enough for one day…”

Incredible journey Carla.  Thank you for your courageous work in confronting the mother who left you and in facing the feelings in yourself that you have so long-buried.  You have been living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for your whole life.  The inner work you are doing is freeing you to live fully and with joy.  We applaud you.




The Healing Power Within: Carla Speaks Again; Chapter Three

“I just finished a Reiki Fusion  session with Cynthia. It was very tough for me. It surprised me with how quickly I began to see images within. It began with more of a feeling, like pure energy being held in a box.

Bing Magic Box

But then I saw swirly party ribbons with long white balloons that had bright flowers on them. They were all over the place and moving with the energy that I was feeling within. Cynthia asked me what else I saw, and I told her the box was present again. She asked me what it looked like, if it was still black like it was before. It wasn’t. It was a decorative dark wooden box this time. I told her about it. It was filled with light, bursting at the seams. It seemed like it was a party in a box and I could feel the energy it was emitting. The energy was everywhere. That was what was moving the ribbons and balloons as well.

th.jBing silhouette girl reaching to the skypg

As I watched I noticed my smaller self appear in the corner of my consciousness. She was smiling and almost eager to explore what was happening. She walked confidently down the hill she was standing on, (for some reason she always appears on a hill), and entered the area with the ribbons. She was happy and smiling, turned her face up toward the ribbons and laughed out loud. Then she gathered ribbons in both hands and started spinning and dancing as she continued to laugh. She was filled with this happiness. She was bursting with this energy and felt the need to run. There was a field that opened up before her as she started to run. It was a big green grassy field. It felt so good to run and laugh and feel the happy energy pulsing through her. Running helped her expel a lot of the built up energy. This is energy that I have been feeling for bout a week. I have wanted to just up and start running, so it felt good to do it in my subconscious.


She didn’t forget about the box, nor was she running away from it. As she started thinking about it, she felt herself heading back towards it. As she approached it, she knew that one single touch from her finger would open the box. She reached her arm out, stretching her finger slowly towards the box, anticipating what would happen once the light was freed.


Once her finger touched it, the box collapsed open, laying flat and the light exploded into the space. The bottom of the box was open, allowing the light and sparkles and ribbons and balloons to continuously flow into the space.

Bing Sparkle, light, baloon, ribbon


My smaller self sat down and laid back to watch the light flow all over the space. she closed her eyes with a smile on her face as she felt glittery light rain over her. She was happy and felt it deep down within.

Bing Encounter of a seriel harrasser

Then something happened that changed everything. A person appeared. Someone my younger self did not want to see. I immediately began to fight this feeling of this person’s appearance. I became uncomfortable and upset. I told Cynthia that this was making me feel emotional and I could feel the heat in my eyes as tears began to build up. I didn’t want to feel this way. I didn’t want to see this person. My younger self told her, “I don’t want you here”. I didn’t want to cry because of her presence.

Cynthia encouraged everything to happen. I still didn’t want to. She asked me to describe the person. I didn’t want to. I said I wanted her to go. Just thinking about saying who it was made my face hot with emotion.

She asked me again. I told her who it was. “It’s my mother”. Saying that took courage and made me want to release all kinds of emotion, but I couldn’t. Cynthia asked me what she looked like. I couldn’t see her face. Only a representation of a body and her hair. Then I could not see things very well. The clear images began to get fuzzy. I felt myself closing up because of the appearance of this person. I said this to Cynthia and she explained that I was slowing down the experience in my mind. She continued to encourage me to describe what I saw when I saw something.


Slowly I started to see my younger self again. She was angry. She was making a very angry face. This is new, I thought, because growing up I never allowed myself to feel angry. Just thankful that my dad decided to keep me. Looking at my younger self, I was proud that she was actually allowing herself to react with her feelings. She was really angry and she looked at the person with all her rage.

The person did not move, just stood there. Cynthia asked if there was anything that she wanted to say to the person. YES!!! I felt like screaming out, but I didn’t, because I wanted the answer to be no. Then things began to get fuzzy again. I mentioned that and we just waited for me to focus within again. Slowly the words, “How could you?”, “I don’t want you here” and “I don’t like you” began to develop in my smaller self’s mind.

Cynthia reminded me of the strong, younger me who opened the dark box and danced in the light. The strength and confidence were there. I didn’t have to disappear just because that person was present.


So, my younger self began to breathe deeper and held her head up higher and higher. Her back straightened and she began to feel the strength and confidence that she knew was there. “I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!” She said it and it felt weird. She felt confused, because she wasn’t supposed to be feeling this way about this person. Then she got sad. She began to wish that she didn’t have these issues, that she actually grew up in a home with a mom and dad who loved her unconditionally. Who would she have been?


I began to feel the heat of tears building up again and I didn’t like it, so things became fuzzy again. I realized that every time I felt my emotions were about to release, I would get fuzzy and try to close things down. Cynthia was on to me, though, so she acknowledged it and then we would patiently wait for it to continue.


When I could see things again, my younger self was sad. Cynthia suggested I go over and hug little me so I did. Then she asked how does she feel? “She doesn’t”. What about me? How did I feel? I didn’t feel anything, no connection. I was just overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

Bing Mother and Daughter hugging silhouette


I started pushing my thumb nail into my fingertips on my left hand at some point during the session. At this point, I was so uncomfortable feeling these feelings that I have buried for so long, that I started pressing it harder and harder until it hurt. I found that little bit of pain distracted me from feeling the emotional pain that kept threatening to overflow.


This whole time, that person just stood there. Cynthia said that she was just standing there taking it. Whatever I said, she was not moving, just taking it and not running away. Even though I was angry and emotional, it felt good to hear that. She was not running away.


I wanted her to go away, though. I could feel it deep down within. I wanted to get away from this person and my younger self told her so. “I want you to leave!” but she wouldn’t. After feeling frustrated, I realized that the person wasn’t leaving because she didn’t want to. So I told her she could come back some time, but she needed to go now. Slowly the figure receded into darkness.


Then it was over. As I sat up, I realized I had been crying and my nose was stuffy. I was overwhelmed by the session, but knew that I had reached somewhere deep within and tapped into a part of my subconscious that has been locked up for a long time. The idea of releasing my emotions in that area scares me. My younger self was scared and I felt scared. Hopefully I will have the courage to let it go soon. I can only imagine how different my life will be once I have released all that emotional baggage.”

Carla’s courage inspires.  She is discovering her capacity to dig deep so she can release the demons, and come to innocence and joy.  She is on her way!