I’m Breathing Now (forth impression)

I had to go deep. I look back at my own mother. Since I was born she hated my father and spewed venom on him, as they lived together in hate for their entire marriage. I saw the model of a ‘marriage’ as hateful, vindictive and contemptuous. I vowed I would never be like my mother, but here I am.

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Now that I know this, it has changed me.  I re-created my mother’s life and I have a choice now to be different!  For the first time in years, I am breathing. With my first breath, I realized that I was holding my breath all this time. It was unconscious. As soon as I breathed in I knew.  With each exhalation, I release my pain.   I feel the change down to my cells. I breathe into my belly and I realize that I need to listen to my gut. It was trying to help me but I denied it. I am listening now.

I meditate and see in my mind’s eye the massive negative thinking and the way in which my thoughts changed me.

I have to start thinking healthier.

Who is going to love me, take care of me, nurture me? Me, that’s who. My sons love me, my family loves me, my friends love me. But I need to love me. I need to see myself realistically – not as a projection of him onto me! I say to myself, you’ve made it this far, and you did it all alone. You are sending two sons off to college, you go to work every day and do an honorable job. You pay your bills without help from anyone. You are stronger than you think.

So I talk to myself now: You are going to be OK.  I bathe myself every moment with loving care.

I put myself in here. I’m the only one that can take me out.

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I Own It (Third Impression)

I always knew it wasn’t right. I ignored my knowing. Maybe he was just having a bad day, or he drank too much. He just lost his mother, or his ex-wife wasn’t nice to him. I made excuses for everything he did.

In the beginning it was coming from a loving and compassionate place. I am a loving Mom, so I took care of him, somebody else’s kid. On a cellular level I knew there was something wrong with him, his character.  Over time I squashed my intuition. All the excuses took hold and I denied my wisdom. He really didn’t mean the names he called me, he is just tired. He called my fat, dumb. He told me I bring nothing to the table. Your family and friends laugh at you. You have a terrible job, you are not capable of taking care of yourself and your kids. You are an alcoholic, you are broke. I am glad your ex didn’t give you the money. You don’t deserve it. Why do you think your ex cheated on you?

I now realize I was making excuses for myself, so I didn’t look so bad by accepting the unacceptable! I denied myself the truth. I allowed him to trash me. When I started to wake up I broke up with him, over and over. He kept coming back, wearing me down. I allowed him to get me to the point of rage. I became him. I became vicious and said such mean things to him to get him away from me. I didn’t realize that I was giving him exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to viciously attack him, even to hit him. He wanted me to degrade myself. I have made myself sick by taking in his poison. You know the ‘pain in the ass’ I have? The pain that won’t go away. I know what that is all about now.

The irony: everything he said about me was actually true for him!

I gave him my power.  I denied myself my life. I ALLOWED THIS. How could I have taken away my own power and given it to this idiot? I am capable, smart, a good mother, friend, daughter, sister.

He inundated me with countless emails, texts and calls every minute of the day. Out of fear and loathing I focused my energies on him. Every minute of my waking life was focused on him and what he would say or do next. It changed the way I lived my life, the way I thought and felt. It changed the way I viewed myself. My life was no longer about me. It was about him.

It’s going to take a lot of work to undo the damage inside my head. Five years of brainwashing has taken its toll on me. If I engage in this energy, then I own it.

It’s not about me taking legal action against him, though that is probably coming. His toxic ways have invaded every aspect of my personality. It was like a wholesale invasion. I became him. I spewed it back to him. It makes me feel sick to know how I allowed myself to behave. I became who he wanted me to be. The things I loved and wanted to do I stopped because he was there. I gave up my most precious interests and the things that nurtured me. Hate changed me.

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