How can I forgive?


New  you begin to see the true nature of the abusive relationship you have been in. Colored glasses off, the clarity is blinding. It is like flying above the devastation of an earthquake and fire. Down below is wreckage, vast stretches of ash and rubble.  The world you tried to create is gone.

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You know seeing clearly is the first step in creating a new reality, but that look back to where you have been hurts so.  You may wonder, how can I ever forgive myself? You might ask, how can I forgive the blindness, the inability to stand up for myself? How can I forgive betraying myself?  How did I allow the degradation, the abuse, and even promote it?  Why did I keep it secret?

How could I have let the need for love and approval stand in the way of seeing clearly?  How did I allow fear to control me?  How did I allow my needs and fears to create an illusory world, rather than the one I really lived in?

Being honest with yourself is difficult, but look both ways:  honor your strengths, your attempts at health, as well as see clearly the ways in which you twisted reality to your own detriment.

Carrying around bitterness, anger and resentment is toxic.  You are the one who gets sick. It contaminates all relationships and undermines everything you touch. You may wonder, how will I ever find peace of mind and the freedom to look forward, instead of being stuck in the devastating past?

Do you ever feel trapped by your hurt and anger – wearing it like a straight-jacket? You may be exhausted by the raging inner battle of self hate competing with hate of the other?

Getting past denial can lead to the murky waters of guilt, resentment, rage and bitterness.  Darkness threatens to overtake the progress that you have made. Without forgiveness of yourself and the other, you remain in the equivalent of Dante’s Hell.

Saying No

Without a strong and consistent No to abuse, you passively allow the attachment to continue. It’s not just no to the real flesh and blood person.  It is No to the energetic connection and well, and that is the hardest to release.  Yet, without forgiveness of yourself and the other, the attachment remains stubbornly intact.

What is forgiveness?

Bing forgiveness

Let’s look at the principles of forgiveness to see if we can find a path to the freedom from the pain and fear of an abusive relationship.

It may mean something like this:

  • By releasing the fate of “the other” back to them, we relinquish the false belief that we had control over them at all.  We did try, didn’t we?  By seeing that you are actually “doing them a favor” by honoring their path, you are able to come home to you!
  • Knowing that leaving that empty hole in your heart, you leave open the possibility that you can fill it with healthy energies.  It’s like living on a diet of junk food, giving it up and going through withdrawals.  When you add whole, organic foods, you give your body real fuel, fuel that enables you to live more fully.  Same thing!
  • By giving up the pattern of draining your life force into anger, guilt, bitterness and hatred you transform that energy into saving your own soul.  By forgiving and releasing, YOU are free.  Forgiveness, really, is ultimately about saving yourself.  They are the only one that can save themselves.
  • You have a right to be here for you.  By attaching to someone who disrespects or uses you, you may have created a false identity based around the distorted needs of the other.  What identity would you like to create for yourself?
  • Remembering that feelings are fleeting, changing, always moving you can witness your feelings instead of identifying with them as You.

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  • Which takes us to the next point:  The witness!!  If you float above your feelings you will see there is a conscious, wise and centered you.  Don’t see it yet?  Sit still and invite in your elevated consciousness.  When you “look down” you will see the running show of experiences and feelings and thoughts – all changeable and the basis for learning. The Witness is that precious part of yourself that is eternal and on an amazing life journey – capable of connecting with great wisdom and love.
  • Consider this: life is like a play, and we play our part.  That is a role, or we may live multiple roles.  The Witness is your authentic self, not a role.
  • Spiritual growth allows you to actually experience your Higher Self, and the intelligent life force – which may be Christ for one, Allah, or Buddha for another, an infinite number of forms of God-consciousness.  You experience God in your own way, but finding God is a sacred journey which allows you to realize you are not alone. In this way, you can do what seems impossible!

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  • Gratitude for what you do have paves the way for transformation.  Like a caterpillar creates a chrysalis which dissolves into the miraculous butterfly, you too can transform into your own unique shape and with your own flight pattern.
  • It is time to identify those thoughts and beliefs that are twisted on themselves, like:  “It was all my fault.  I was so stupid.  I am guilty of anger and if only I had been stronger.”  These are childhood beliefs (reinforced by your abuser); and when viewed from the adult perspective, you can release them like dandelions blowing in the wind.

Bing Dandelions blowing in the wind


What is compassion?

Compassion is the vehicle by which forgiveness can take place.  It is a form of love which accepts fully and unconditionally.  In it is the key to your healing. By loving yourself unconditionally and compassionately you liberate your ability to re-define your Self.

By having compassionate acceptance (and clarity) for your abuser, you can say NO to the destructive dance and embrace yourself.





Response to a Meditation on Reality: “I’m digging deep”

I am going to share with you the response of a reader to the “meditation on reality.” She is doing courageous work and it may help others. I hope it will help you. She writes:


“I recall the meditation on my own reality and I can tell you, it isn’t pretty: As I close my eyes I am almost shocked at what I see. I reviewed what happened last night and it is as though I was numb to it at the time.


As I see it re-play from this distance, I feel my fear. He started in on me as I was lying in bed with my three-year old daughter. He ‘blew up’ right in front of us both. As I meditate on what happened, I see in my mind’s eye his face; it was three inches from my face; I see the spit flying; I hear him cursing. I see his face turn red, his neck bulges and his mouth twists in contempt. I see the rage in his eyes and face, in his whole body as he yells at me that he hates me more than anyone else in his life. He screams at me, ‘I wish you were dead.’ My daughter shrinks behind me, trying to disappear.


Because I see who he really is now I don’t play into his manipulations as much as I used to. I ignore him and go on with my life. He sees that he is not able to control me like before and he is furious about it. So he escalates his attack. His rage is one more attempt to overwhelm me and let me know that he is in control, and if I dare to challenge him, I will pay.


Then I turn my inner eye on myself: I see that as he rages I am frozen. I sit paralyzed. I use the bedroom as my safety zone and he invaded my safety. I look at my face and see a blank stare, but as I look into my heart I see terror. I realize that I am afraid of him physically, emotionally and psychologically. This is so hard to admit.


I see that I feel totally helpless. I can’t bear to see that. I feel helpless to protect myself or the children. I’ve tried so hard to act like I am invulnerable to him and his attacks. But I am not. I am terrified. Fear keeps me frozen in this place.


I see that I justify staying with him because he is ‘the devil I know’. I am afraid of that unknown devil out there. At least I (usually) have some measure of control over myself and some means of carving out a measure of safety here. I fear the unknown. Or is this just a rationalization for staying in place?


I think back over the years. I am shocked to recognize that he has made choices and then cries out that he is a victim. I see now that he orchestrates his so-called victimization. He tries to make people feel bad for him for what he himself has created! He is the one who cheated on me and now he has fabricates in his own mind my infidelity. He is obsessed with this delusion and nothing I can say or do affects his “belief.” I am victimized by his suspicions and recriminations, yet he plays out his victim role of a husband cheated on! He actually blames me for humiliating him and ruining his life. It is like living in Hell!


Then I see one more layer in this Hell I have created: I stay because I don’t want others to see me as a failure. I can’t bear to have his family see me as he does. I can’t bear to be viewed as a cheating wife, but nothing I have said or done changes their perception of me. Why do I care what they think? I know the truth, but that is not good enough.


I realize I have worked so hard for something that was doomed to fail. This is an unbearable revelation.


One step deeper: I see that he is like a huge spider and I am caught in his web. The more I struggle the more I am caught in the sticky web. I see that he wants nothing less than my death. His rage is unquenchable.


No more head in the clouds. No more hope based on false perception of reality. Now that I see the chains and the dimension of my hell, I look for the light. I am open to inspiration.

Window red bars on a white wall and demolished with forest view