Response to Previous Post: FREEDOM

“Being FREE of the shackles that held me prisoner for over a decade is a feeling that I cannot put into words. To know I do not have to look over my shoulder or watch what I say brings me nothing but overwhelming joy.
My house is now a home!!  I can be me all the time now!  It took me what feels like forever to get the courage to move forward and believe in myself.
I did it at my own pace and never gave up. What he did to me throughout the years just taught me to live on my own. What he thought was punishment was actually a blessing in disguise and for that I thank him!”

Thank you for sharing this!  I post it here to show there is hope from even the direst of circumstances.  You are a role model and we thank you for your inspiration!

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I feel free!

 

Here is the latest on one of my clients.  She was in a decade long abusive relationship.  She has worked through so much, and this is her today:

“I feel free. He is gone and the divorce will be final next week! Today would have been our 10th anniversary and I don’t miss him at all. I never thought I would see this day. I see the world as it is now. No more denial and hiding from the truth. No more lying to myself. No more taking crumbs and living in fear. Never again will I allow a man to hit me, demean me or terrorize me. Now I realize how strong I am. First I didn’t see. Then I saw, but was frozen in fear. Then came the anger, but I stayed.

The click for me in getting out of this abusive relationship was that moment after an argument, when I felt such relief when he gave me the silent treatment and left me alone. When he left, my body collapsed into relaxation. I sighed in relief. When he returned, I began to notice how my muscles tightened and I couldn’t breathe. I started listening to my body and even though it took me years to get here, I have arrived. I am free now.”

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Carla: Chapter Seven

“During the Reiki Fusion session, I was curled up in a ball. I realize that is symbolic for how I lived my whole life. I turned away from life and challenges and withdrew. I was passive and closed off. I was scared all the time, and I didn’t even know what I was scared of. I never tried anything new. I was a machine, a steam engine: I just kept going without feeling. I was a shell, just making it to the next stop and just kept going.

Google images

I discover that I am uncurled now. I am standing up straight. If I am wronged, I confront the person or situation directly. I have power now. Now I can just be. I can think and absorb. I have mind space now.

I’m not scared any more.

google authentic self

 

The Healing Power Within: Carla Speaks Again; Chapter Three

“I just finished a Reiki Fusion  session with Cynthia. It was very tough for me. It surprised me with how quickly I began to see images within. It began with more of a feeling, like pure energy being held in a box.

Bing Magic Box

But then I saw swirly party ribbons with long white balloons that had bright flowers on them. They were all over the place and moving with the energy that I was feeling within. Cynthia asked me what else I saw, and I told her the box was present again. She asked me what it looked like, if it was still black like it was before. It wasn’t. It was a decorative dark wooden box this time. I told her about it. It was filled with light, bursting at the seams. It seemed like it was a party in a box and I could feel the energy it was emitting. The energy was everywhere. That was what was moving the ribbons and balloons as well.

th.jBing silhouette girl reaching to the skypg

As I watched I noticed my smaller self appear in the corner of my consciousness. She was smiling and almost eager to explore what was happening. She walked confidently down the hill she was standing on, (for some reason she always appears on a hill), and entered the area with the ribbons. She was happy and smiling, turned her face up toward the ribbons and laughed out loud. Then she gathered ribbons in both hands and started spinning and dancing as she continued to laugh. She was filled with this happiness. She was bursting with this energy and felt the need to run. There was a field that opened up before her as she started to run. It was a big green grassy field. It felt so good to run and laugh and feel the happy energy pulsing through her. Running helped her expel a lot of the built up energy. This is energy that I have been feeling for bout a week. I have wanted to just up and start running, so it felt good to do it in my subconscious.

 

She didn’t forget about the box, nor was she running away from it. As she started thinking about it, she felt herself heading back towards it. As she approached it, she knew that one single touch from her finger would open the box. She reached her arm out, stretching her finger slowly towards the box, anticipating what would happen once the light was freed.

 

Once her finger touched it, the box collapsed open, laying flat and the light exploded into the space. The bottom of the box was open, allowing the light and sparkles and ribbons and balloons to continuously flow into the space.

Bing Sparkle, light, baloon, ribbon

 

My smaller self sat down and laid back to watch the light flow all over the space. she closed her eyes with a smile on her face as she felt glittery light rain over her. She was happy and felt it deep down within.

Bing Encounter of a seriel harrasser

Then something happened that changed everything. A person appeared. Someone my younger self did not want to see. I immediately began to fight this feeling of this person’s appearance. I became uncomfortable and upset. I told Cynthia that this was making me feel emotional and I could feel the heat in my eyes as tears began to build up. I didn’t want to feel this way. I didn’t want to see this person. My younger self told her, “I don’t want you here”. I didn’t want to cry because of her presence.

Cynthia encouraged everything to happen. I still didn’t want to. She asked me to describe the person. I didn’t want to. I said I wanted her to go. Just thinking about saying who it was made my face hot with emotion.

She asked me again. I told her who it was. “It’s my mother”. Saying that took courage and made me want to release all kinds of emotion, but I couldn’t. Cynthia asked me what she looked like. I couldn’t see her face. Only a representation of a body and her hair. Then I could not see things very well. The clear images began to get fuzzy. I felt myself closing up because of the appearance of this person. I said this to Cynthia and she explained that I was slowing down the experience in my mind. She continued to encourage me to describe what I saw when I saw something.

 

Slowly I started to see my younger self again. She was angry. She was making a very angry face. This is new, I thought, because growing up I never allowed myself to feel angry. Just thankful that my dad decided to keep me. Looking at my younger self, I was proud that she was actually allowing herself to react with her feelings. She was really angry and she looked at the person with all her rage.

The person did not move, just stood there. Cynthia asked if there was anything that she wanted to say to the person. YES!!! I felt like screaming out, but I didn’t, because I wanted the answer to be no. Then things began to get fuzzy again. I mentioned that and we just waited for me to focus within again. Slowly the words, “How could you?”, “I don’t want you here” and “I don’t like you” began to develop in my smaller self’s mind.

Cynthia reminded me of the strong, younger me who opened the dark box and danced in the light. The strength and confidence were there. I didn’t have to disappear just because that person was present.

 

So, my younger self began to breathe deeper and held her head up higher and higher. Her back straightened and she began to feel the strength and confidence that she knew was there. “I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!” She said it and it felt weird. She felt confused, because she wasn’t supposed to be feeling this way about this person. Then she got sad. She began to wish that she didn’t have these issues, that she actually grew up in a home with a mom and dad who loved her unconditionally. Who would she have been?

 

I began to feel the heat of tears building up again and I didn’t like it, so things became fuzzy again. I realized that every time I felt my emotions were about to release, I would get fuzzy and try to close things down. Cynthia was on to me, though, so she acknowledged it and then we would patiently wait for it to continue.

 

When I could see things again, my younger self was sad. Cynthia suggested I go over and hug little me so I did. Then she asked how does she feel? “She doesn’t”. What about me? How did I feel? I didn’t feel anything, no connection. I was just overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

Bing Mother and Daughter hugging silhouette

 

I started pushing my thumb nail into my fingertips on my left hand at some point during the session. At this point, I was so uncomfortable feeling these feelings that I have buried for so long, that I started pressing it harder and harder until it hurt. I found that little bit of pain distracted me from feeling the emotional pain that kept threatening to overflow.

 

This whole time, that person just stood there. Cynthia said that she was just standing there taking it. Whatever I said, she was not moving, just taking it and not running away. Even though I was angry and emotional, it felt good to hear that. She was not running away.

 

I wanted her to go away, though. I could feel it deep down within. I wanted to get away from this person and my younger self told her so. “I want you to leave!” but she wouldn’t. After feeling frustrated, I realized that the person wasn’t leaving because she didn’t want to. So I told her she could come back some time, but she needed to go now. Slowly the figure receded into darkness.

 

Then it was over. As I sat up, I realized I had been crying and my nose was stuffy. I was overwhelmed by the session, but knew that I had reached somewhere deep within and tapped into a part of my subconscious that has been locked up for a long time. The idea of releasing my emotions in that area scares me. My younger self was scared and I felt scared. Hopefully I will have the courage to let it go soon. I can only imagine how different my life will be once I have released all that emotional baggage.”

Carla’s courage inspires.  She is discovering her capacity to dig deep so she can release the demons, and come to innocence and joy.  She is on her way!

 

 

 

 

Breath is Life: Carla Chapter Two

Here is Carla’s description of her experience of Reiki Fusion:

 

“Lying on my stomach, on the message table, I felt blocked. I felt like a brick with no way to ever break through. It was how I always felt, hopeless.

 

As the session started I felt like it was going to be a long silent moment. What if I didn’t have anything to say? What if I didn’t feel a thing? When Cynthia placed her hands on my feet, I was bothered by the fact that I didn’t feel any of the vibrations she asked me about. Then I was bothered by the fact that I was bothered. So I had to settle my brain a bit and just let things go. Trying to feel and feeling are two different things.

 

Moving out of thinking about feeling and just feeling was my goal. So I started trying it. Suddenly I started to see. Wispy white smoke appeared as I breathed. It flowed in and out of my chest as my breath flowed in and out. I told Cynthia what I saw. She encouraged me to continue looking in. I was patient, watching the wispy breath flow in and out. Then I noticed a dark space. The breath flowed in and stopped in this space. The wispy smoke became wispy light. As it continued to flow into this dark space, I noticed a large rectangular box.

Bing smoke texture

 

During my last session, in the same space, there was a tightly wadded shiny black ball. It was wound like a ball of string, only the string was like tar. This box had the same shiny coating. I told Cynthia what I saw. She continued to encourage me to just notice and observe. So I did. My wispy breath would flow in and around the box, lighting it as if a single light bulb were hanging from the ceiling of a dark, windowless room.

Bing Attic Light Buld

Suddenly the younger version of myself appeared, as she always does, standing on a hill, hands on her hips, squinting into the sun. She was observing the box and light. I told Cynthia that she had appeared. She encouraged me to watch what happens.

 

Was there a way to open this box? I wanted it opened. The wispy breath would flow around the box, looking for a way in, but could not get in. Then I saw a circular keyhole that was black as night. It looked like it was clogged with a dark substance. The wispy light would try to work through this keyhole as I breathed, but it seemed like there was no way in.

 

I decided I would make an opening for the light. I used a long silver object and poked through the blackness. The wispy light was able to flow inside the box. Rays of light escaped from the box’s seams, where the top was placed. Those rays of light began to light the dark space around the box.

 

The younger me wanted to go closer but hesitated. She needed to know it was okay. I told Cynthia, and she encouraged her to go, so she walked down the hill to the box. When she got to the box, it was smaller than it appeared from the hill. She was standing up against the front, near the keyhole. The top was just above her head. She wanted to look inside to see the light filling the box, so she lifted the top and pushed it all the way open. The top hinged away and folded against the back of the box.

 

The younger me looked inside and saw light swimming and flowing within the box. It did not light up the entire space, but stayed within the confines of the box. She wanted to feel the light. Would it be warm? It looked inviting, so she climbed in the box and lay on her side. She curled up into a little ball and let the light flow over and around her.

 

I told Cynthia, who had her hands on my back, behind my heart. She asked me how the light felt. The younger me was warm and happy, feeling the light shining all the way through her. I observed a warm feeling in my chest, where the box was perceived. It started to spread all around and down my back.

 

I was quiet for a while, feeling the light shining through me and my younger self. When Cynthia asked me what was happening, I noticed that my younger self had started dancing within the box, dancing with the flow of the wispy, warm light. She was beaming and so happy. She was dancing without thinking. She was doing what felt good and right, not what was expected of her. When I told Cynthia, she was excited for the younger me.

 

Then I told her my younger self had kicked down one of the walls. It was the front of the box, one of the longer sides of the rectangle, where the keyhole was. She felt her happiness was confined and wanted it to spread. When she did that, the light began to spill out from the front of the box. She liked that, so she kicked the back of the box, the other long side. This wall fell as well and the wispy light spilled out of the back as well.

 

She walked over to one of the shorter sides and pushed it down, with a big smile on her face. She was so happy to be destroying the confinement. Finally the last wall only took a slight poke of the index finger and it was down as well.

 

Now she stood in the middle of the floor of the old box, with all the sides, now on their backs. The light filled the space and my younger self stood, smiling with her arms stretched out and above her head. She spun in circles watching the wisps of light move as she did. She was happy and proud.

th.jBing silhouette girl reaching to the skypg

Cynthia placed her hands back on my feet as she did in the beginning of the session. I was in a different place than when everything began. Would I feel any vibrations? I didn’t worry about it. I just let it go and went back to the light inside.

Bing sunlight

Suddenly I felt shaking on the left side of my body. Then I felt it in my back, my legs, my feet and finally on my right side. Cynthia’s hands were on my feet and I told her I was shaking. That was the vibration I wondered about. Cynthia explained that I was allowing my life energy to flow through me, and that is good.

 

At the end of the session I learned how powerful and poetic it was. I found this validating to hear. Being encouraged to continue with whatever appeared helped me relax and go with the flow. Deep down, I thought the box represented closing off. I thought that since it was bigger and took up more space, I was possibly putting up even more walls of defense.

 

Cynthia saw it from another perspective. She said that it was growth. Transitioning from a tightly wound ball of stringy tar last week, to a box which allowed light in and was able to be destroyed was a good thing. It was hollow, not solid; I could climb in and the interior was transformed from dark to light. There was no fear present, only happiness, warmth and pride for feeling and doing instead of thinking and doing. It was an amazing experience.”

 

I am so touched by Carla’s experience, and I received the gift of her revelations. I am honored, and hope you embrace the light she revealed as well.

 

Namaste

Cynthia

 

 

 

How can I forgive?

Bing honeybunny-queenbee.blogspot.com

New  you begin to see the true nature of the abusive relationship you have been in. Colored glasses off, the clarity is blinding. It is like flying above the devastation of an earthquake and fire. Down below is wreckage, vast stretches of ash and rubble.  The world you tried to create is gone.

Pensive WomN XHEIA Aeswfn UNAPLah.xom43e39040

You know seeing clearly is the first step in creating a new reality, but that look back to where you have been hurts so.  You may wonder, how can I ever forgive myself? You might ask, how can I forgive the blindness, the inability to stand up for myself? How can I forgive betraying myself?  How did I allow the degradation, the abuse, and even promote it?  Why did I keep it secret?

How could I have let the need for love and approval stand in the way of seeing clearly?  How did I allow fear to control me?  How did I allow my needs and fears to create an illusory world, rather than the one I really lived in?

Being honest with yourself is difficult, but look both ways:  honor your strengths, your attempts at health, as well as see clearly the ways in which you twisted reality to your own detriment.

Carrying around bitterness, anger and resentment is toxic.  You are the one who gets sick. It contaminates all relationships and undermines everything you touch. You may wonder, how will I ever find peace of mind and the freedom to look forward, instead of being stuck in the devastating past?

Do you ever feel trapped by your hurt and anger – wearing it like a straight-jacket? You may be exhausted by the raging inner battle of self hate competing with hate of the other?

Getting past denial can lead to the murky waters of guilt, resentment, rage and bitterness.  Darkness threatens to overtake the progress that you have made. Without forgiveness of yourself and the other, you remain in the equivalent of Dante’s Hell.

Saying No

Without a strong and consistent No to abuse, you passively allow the attachment to continue. It’s not just no to the real flesh and blood person.  It is No to the energetic connection and well, and that is the hardest to release.  Yet, without forgiveness of yourself and the other, the attachment remains stubbornly intact.

What is forgiveness?

Bing forgiveness

Let’s look at the principles of forgiveness to see if we can find a path to the freedom from the pain and fear of an abusive relationship.

It may mean something like this:

  • By releasing the fate of “the other” back to them, we relinquish the false belief that we had control over them at all.  We did try, didn’t we?  By seeing that you are actually “doing them a favor” by honoring their path, you are able to come home to you!
  • Knowing that leaving that empty hole in your heart, you leave open the possibility that you can fill it with healthy energies.  It’s like living on a diet of junk food, giving it up and going through withdrawals.  When you add whole, organic foods, you give your body real fuel, fuel that enables you to live more fully.  Same thing!
  • By giving up the pattern of draining your life force into anger, guilt, bitterness and hatred you transform that energy into saving your own soul.  By forgiving and releasing, YOU are free.  Forgiveness, really, is ultimately about saving yourself.  They are the only one that can save themselves.
  • You have a right to be here for you.  By attaching to someone who disrespects or uses you, you may have created a false identity based around the distorted needs of the other.  What identity would you like to create for yourself?
  • Remembering that feelings are fleeting, changing, always moving you can witness your feelings instead of identifying with them as You.

Steel City Airsoft:calming corners Bing

  • Which takes us to the next point:  The witness!!  If you float above your feelings you will see there is a conscious, wise and centered you.  Don’t see it yet?  Sit still and invite in your elevated consciousness.  When you “look down” you will see the running show of experiences and feelings and thoughts – all changeable and the basis for learning. The Witness is that precious part of yourself that is eternal and on an amazing life journey – capable of connecting with great wisdom and love.
  • Consider this: life is like a play, and we play our part.  That is a role, or we may live multiple roles.  The Witness is your authentic self, not a role.
  • Spiritual growth allows you to actually experience your Higher Self, and the intelligent life force – which may be Christ for one, Allah, or Buddha for another, an infinite number of forms of God-consciousness.  You experience God in your own way, but finding God is a sacred journey which allows you to realize you are not alone. In this way, you can do what seems impossible!

Bing blue morpho butterflyjpg

  • Gratitude for what you do have paves the way for transformation.  Like a caterpillar creates a chrysalis which dissolves into the miraculous butterfly, you too can transform into your own unique shape and with your own flight pattern.
  • It is time to identify those thoughts and beliefs that are twisted on themselves, like:  “It was all my fault.  I was so stupid.  I am guilty of anger and if only I had been stronger.”  These are childhood beliefs (reinforced by your abuser); and when viewed from the adult perspective, you can release them like dandelions blowing in the wind.

Bing Dandelions blowing in the wind

 

What is compassion?

Compassion is the vehicle by which forgiveness can take place.  It is a form of love which accepts fully and unconditionally.  In it is the key to your healing. By loving yourself unconditionally and compassionately you liberate your ability to re-define your Self.

By having compassionate acceptance (and clarity) for your abuser, you can say NO to the destructive dance and embrace yourself.

Namaste,

 

Cynthia

A Call Out: Dare to Live

Happy woman jumping and sun

A brief time here.

I have lived in shrunken space

long enough.

I dare to live,

for this small, dark space

is no life.

I dare to live now.

I choose to live in full color

in all dimensions.

I dance freely in the infinite joy of

space

time

pleasure

freedom.

I release the black and white.

I dare to vibrate in

living color,

and to those for whom

my light is too bright

I say

put on your sunglasses

or look the other way.

I dare to live

in courage and

love.

Mercy: How to break out of an abusive relationship

chain is broken

 

My heart aches for you. Here are some thoughts:

 

  • Breaking out of an abusive relationship may be even harder than being in one. What you have gone through so far is unbearable. Getting out of it will even be more difficult.

 

  • If you are really seeing that your relationship is abusive and toxic, if you have tried your ways and it hasn’t worked, the only way is to make the break.

 

  • Build the courage. It will take all you’ve got.

 

  • Prepare to end your relationship.

 

  • Acknowledge that you are being controlled and manipulated. Denial is your enemy.

 

  • Notice: how many aspects of your life are being controlled. Are you controlled by the emotions of your abuser? Have you lost yourself?

 

  • Think about the reasons why you need to leave. Look carefully at what you will gain: the capacity to enjoy life. Remember, you have a right to live.

 

  • Plan your exit. Know that no matter how much you will seem to lose, you will gain yourself.

 

  • Even if you lose your house you can find a way. Nothing is worth the loss of your true self. Your authentic self.

Response to a Meditation on Reality: “I’m digging deep”

I am going to share with you the response of a reader to the “meditation on reality.” She is doing courageous work and it may help others. I hope it will help you. She writes:

 

“I recall the meditation on my own reality and I can tell you, it isn’t pretty: As I close my eyes I am almost shocked at what I see. I reviewed what happened last night and it is as though I was numb to it at the time.

 

As I see it re-play from this distance, I feel my fear. He started in on me as I was lying in bed with my three-year old daughter. He ‘blew up’ right in front of us both. As I meditate on what happened, I see in my mind’s eye his face; it was three inches from my face; I see the spit flying; I hear him cursing. I see his face turn red, his neck bulges and his mouth twists in contempt. I see the rage in his eyes and face, in his whole body as he yells at me that he hates me more than anyone else in his life. He screams at me, ‘I wish you were dead.’ My daughter shrinks behind me, trying to disappear.

 

Because I see who he really is now I don’t play into his manipulations as much as I used to. I ignore him and go on with my life. He sees that he is not able to control me like before and he is furious about it. So he escalates his attack. His rage is one more attempt to overwhelm me and let me know that he is in control, and if I dare to challenge him, I will pay.

 

Then I turn my inner eye on myself: I see that as he rages I am frozen. I sit paralyzed. I use the bedroom as my safety zone and he invaded my safety. I look at my face and see a blank stare, but as I look into my heart I see terror. I realize that I am afraid of him physically, emotionally and psychologically. This is so hard to admit.

 

I see that I feel totally helpless. I can’t bear to see that. I feel helpless to protect myself or the children. I’ve tried so hard to act like I am invulnerable to him and his attacks. But I am not. I am terrified. Fear keeps me frozen in this place.

 

I see that I justify staying with him because he is ‘the devil I know’. I am afraid of that unknown devil out there. At least I (usually) have some measure of control over myself and some means of carving out a measure of safety here. I fear the unknown. Or is this just a rationalization for staying in place?

 

I think back over the years. I am shocked to recognize that he has made choices and then cries out that he is a victim. I see now that he orchestrates his so-called victimization. He tries to make people feel bad for him for what he himself has created! He is the one who cheated on me and now he has fabricates in his own mind my infidelity. He is obsessed with this delusion and nothing I can say or do affects his “belief.” I am victimized by his suspicions and recriminations, yet he plays out his victim role of a husband cheated on! He actually blames me for humiliating him and ruining his life. It is like living in Hell!

 

Then I see one more layer in this Hell I have created: I stay because I don’t want others to see me as a failure. I can’t bear to have his family see me as he does. I can’t bear to be viewed as a cheating wife, but nothing I have said or done changes their perception of me. Why do I care what they think? I know the truth, but that is not good enough.

 

I realize I have worked so hard for something that was doomed to fail. This is an unbearable revelation.

 

One step deeper: I see that he is like a huge spider and I am caught in his web. The more I struggle the more I am caught in the sticky web. I see that he wants nothing less than my death. His rage is unquenchable.

 

No more head in the clouds. No more hope based on false perception of reality. Now that I see the chains and the dimension of my hell, I look for the light. I am open to inspiration.

Window red bars on a white wall and demolished with forest view