Response to Previous Post: FREEDOM

“Being FREE of the shackles that held me prisoner for over a decade is a feeling that I cannot put into words. To know I do not have to look over my shoulder or watch what I say brings me nothing but overwhelming joy.
My house is now a home!!  I can be me all the time now!  It took me what feels like forever to get the courage to move forward and believe in myself.
I did it at my own pace and never gave up. What he did to me throughout the years just taught me to live on my own. What he thought was punishment was actually a blessing in disguise and for that I thank him!”

Thank you for sharing this!  I post it here to show there is hope from even the direst of circumstances.  You are a role model and we thank you for your inspiration!

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I feel free!

 

Here is the latest on one of my clients.  She was in a decade long abusive relationship.  She has worked through so much, and this is her today:

“I feel free. He is gone and the divorce will be final next week! Today would have been our 10th anniversary and I don’t miss him at all. I never thought I would see this day. I see the world as it is now. No more denial and hiding from the truth. No more lying to myself. No more taking crumbs and living in fear. Never again will I allow a man to hit me, demean me or terrorize me. Now I realize how strong I am. First I didn’t see. Then I saw, but was frozen in fear. Then came the anger, but I stayed.

The click for me in getting out of this abusive relationship was that moment after an argument, when I felt such relief when he gave me the silent treatment and left me alone. When he left, my body collapsed into relaxation. I sighed in relief. When he returned, I began to notice how my muscles tightened and I couldn’t breathe. I started listening to my body and even though it took me years to get here, I have arrived. I am free now.”

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Carla: Chapter Seven

“During the Reiki Fusion session, I was curled up in a ball. I realize that is symbolic for how I lived my whole life. I turned away from life and challenges and withdrew. I was passive and closed off. I was scared all the time, and I didn’t even know what I was scared of. I never tried anything new. I was a machine, a steam engine: I just kept going without feeling. I was a shell, just making it to the next stop and just kept going.

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I discover that I am uncurled now. I am standing up straight. If I am wronged, I confront the person or situation directly. I have power now. Now I can just be. I can think and absorb. I have mind space now.

I’m not scared any more.

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Clearing the Path; Chapter Six

Here is Carla, brave Carla as she finally sees the figure of her mother appear:

 

Suddenly I could see an image of my mother. It was a picture of her that I remember. Whenever I tried to imagine her face, I could never grasp her image. It would always flicker. This time I was able to see the image clearly. She was sitting on the floor, leaning back on our old couch. She was wearing a dark gray Mickie Mouse t-shirt and pinkish-red pants. The image of her was clear, and I began to feel overwhelmed with emotions, but I was not scared of them this time. They were just there and it was ok.

The image did not last long. Soon it returned to the flickering image I can never grasp. Little Me was now behind the big white sparkly ripple, trapped in a gray vacuum, staring at the flickering image of her mother. Soon, images of words and comments that she has heard her whole life started floating into the room. “You should find her”, “Don’t you miss your mother?”, “She’s out there”, “You need to find her”. Words that she has heard over and over and words that she has said herself. They continued to float in until they were all crowded and jumbled, congesting the area.

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Little me felt overwhelmed and immediately started to curl into a little ball, as the weight of everything crushed her. When I told Cynthia, she encouraged me to give Little Me a choice. She could stay curled up in a ball, or not. I told Little Me she was strong and didn’t have to hide anymore. Light began to flow into her curled up areas and she tried to stand. As she stood, she felt the weight of all those words and comments and expectations pushing down on her, but it didn’t matter. She was strong and brave and she knew that it didn’t matter what the expectations were.

I told her that Little Me wanted to throw the words on the ground and stomp them out, crushing them into little pieces. So she started grabbing handfuls of the words and throwing them on the ground and jumping all over them, stomping them out.

As she did this, I described the sounds she was making to Cynthia. They were extremely satisfying guttural yells, screams and grunts. She was releasing all her frustration from years and years of this. She started grabbing bigger and bigger armfuls of the words and stomping them out. What she realized is that as she threw the words down, she actually cleaned the area. No new words floated back in.

Soon she had cleared an area about as long as a school bus. She was elated. When she turned around, she saw a long winding road that disappeared into the distance. The entire road was covered with these comments, words and expectations. She was overwhelmed with the amount of work ahead of her, so she decided to try something. She wanted to yell at the words, but she didn’t know what to say.

Soon the word “NO!” came to her and then, “NO MORE!”. She decided to yell the latter, so she walked up to the beginning of the trail of words, grabbed an arm full, pulled down on it and yelled from the pit of her stomach, “NO MORE!!!!!!!!”.

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A large portion of the trail of words dropped to the ground. She walked over it to the next portions and realized that just walking over the words made them crumble. She didn’t even have to work hard to break them up. She did this two more times and the rest of the road fell to the ground. She walked over the debris and soon began to run.

Then she turned around and started running out of there. She wanted to yell at the plank and make it disappear. She felt brave and she ran as fast as she could. Somehow she was able to leave the gray vacuum and was back out in the grassy scene with the trees. It was still twilight and the air was crisp, so she ran with a smile on her face.

Once she arrived at a place where she thought the lock might be, she sat on the grass, cross-legged and just breathed. She suddenly felt doubt. She didn’t know how she was going to do it this time, so she just sat and breathed and remembered what she had just accomplished. Maybe this was enough for one day…”

Incredible journey Carla.  Thank you for your courageous work in confronting the mother who left you and in facing the feelings in yourself that you have so long-buried.  You have been living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for your whole life.  The inner work you are doing is freeing you to live fully and with joy.  We applaud you.

Namaste,

Cynthia

Clearing the Path; Chapter Five

Here is Carla, brave Carla:

“I just finished my latest Reiki Fusion experience with Cynthia. As usual, I figured nothing would happen and I would just be laying there, feeling silly. Almost as soon as I arrived, we went to the table. I was finally ready to face myself, the experience and possibly the faceless figure that I saw the last time.
As soon as I laid down, I felt myself settling into the table. This was a good sign, because I was relaxed and hopefully ready for the experience. When I closed my eyes, I was still nervous, but Cynthia just asked me to tell her what I saw, so I did. I was seeing spots. Light spots on a dark background, popping like soda bubbles pop in a clear glass. I realized it was a visual of the bubbling creek sounds that were playing in the background, so I continued to settle in.

Soon I noticed a thick wooden plank in my back. It was old and dark and it was locked. When I told this to Cynthia, she moved her hand to the area I indicated and rested the other just below on my lower back. This was comforting, as she rocks her hands gently, or at least it feels like she does. So I started trying to explain this plank to her. It was just there. I didn’t want it to be and I was frustrated that it was. I feel like this is my lock that prevents me from feeling or reacting and keeps me detached from things. That makes me frustrated.

I explained that if I looked up at it, all I saw was the block of wood and if I looked down at it, it was the same wood with a big pad lock on it. She asked me if there were any walls. No walls. If I was under it, it was like looking up at the sky, only instead of blue, there was a thick old wooden plank. The scene underneath was grassy, with trees. It was darker out, like twilight, but no stars because of the plank.

Suddenly Little Me appeared on her hill, observing everything. She stood for a short bit with her hands on her hips just observing. Then she walked into the scene and kept looking up at the plank. She even grabbed a stick at one point and pushed it up into the plank. She learned that it was solid and very thick.

google mysterious hooded figure

Around this time, the faceless figure appeared. It was very small and in a dark corner. Little Me felt it or realized it was there, past where she started walking, so she turned around and ran back in the same direction, toward the figure. When she saw it, she stopped and watched. The figure started to float out of the corner. It moved like an apparition with a dark gown just floating over the ground. As it moved out of the corner, it slowly began to grow.

Once it was the size of an adult it stopped. Little me watched all this happening and did not know what to do or think. She wished she could just hug it out with the figure and make things ok, but she knew that was not the way to go. So she slowly started walking toward the figure. She was not angry or scared or overwhelmed as she was the last time. This time she was curious and brave. She knows deep down that confronting this character is the only way she can move past it.

The character also started moving towards her. As it got closer, suddenly the faceless area, which was round and white, began to protrude out of the hood. I can only really describe it as the whole face beginning to grow as Pinocchio’s nose would grow if he told a lie. I described it to Cynthia the best I could and kept saying it was weird, because it was. I couldn’t understand why it was happening. Then it stopped coming towards Little Me, and began getting wider and wider. I described it as if a spiral were growing bigger and bigger. It was still pure white, and it was suddenly bigger than the figure. The figure was no longer visible.

Little Me just stayed there and watched everything happening. The white, round spiral began to sparkle….

The second half of the session is soon to follow.

Namaste,
Cynthia