I had to go deep. I look back at my own mother. Since I was born she hated my father and spewed venom on him, as they lived together in hate for their entire marriage. I saw the model of a ‘marriage’ as hateful, vindictive and contemptuous. I vowed I would never be like my mother, but here I am.
Now that I know this, it has changed me. I re-created my mother’s life and I have a choice now to be different! For the first time in years, I am breathing. With my first breath, I realized that I was holding my breath all this time. It was unconscious. As soon as I breathed in I knew. With each exhalation, I release my pain. I feel the change down to my cells. I breathe into my belly and I realize that I need to listen to my gut. It was trying to help me but I denied it. I am listening now.
I meditate and see in my mind’s eye the massive negative thinking and the way in which my thoughts changed me.
I have to start thinking healthier.
Who is going to love me, take care of me, nurture me? Me, that’s who. My sons love me, my family loves me, my friends love me. But I need to love me. I need to see myself realistically – not as a projection of him onto me! I say to myself, you’ve made it this far, and you did it all alone. You are sending two sons off to college, you go to work every day and do an honorable job. You pay your bills without help from anyone. You are stronger than you think.
So I talk to myself now: You are going to be OK. I bathe myself every moment with loving care.
I put myself in here. I’m the only one that can take me out.