Breath is Life: Carla Chapter Two

Here is Carla’s description of her experience of Reiki Fusion:

 

“Lying on my stomach, on the message table, I felt blocked. I felt like a brick with no way to ever break through. It was how I always felt, hopeless.

 

As the session started I felt like it was going to be a long silent moment. What if I didn’t have anything to say? What if I didn’t feel a thing? When Cynthia placed her hands on my feet, I was bothered by the fact that I didn’t feel any of the vibrations she asked me about. Then I was bothered by the fact that I was bothered. So I had to settle my brain a bit and just let things go. Trying to feel and feeling are two different things.

 

Moving out of thinking about feeling and just feeling was my goal. So I started trying it. Suddenly I started to see. Wispy white smoke appeared as I breathed. It flowed in and out of my chest as my breath flowed in and out. I told Cynthia what I saw. She encouraged me to continue looking in. I was patient, watching the wispy breath flow in and out. Then I noticed a dark space. The breath flowed in and stopped in this space. The wispy smoke became wispy light. As it continued to flow into this dark space, I noticed a large rectangular box.

Bing smoke texture

 

During my last session, in the same space, there was a tightly wadded shiny black ball. It was wound like a ball of string, only the string was like tar. This box had the same shiny coating. I told Cynthia what I saw. She continued to encourage me to just notice and observe. So I did. My wispy breath would flow in and around the box, lighting it as if a single light bulb were hanging from the ceiling of a dark, windowless room.

Bing Attic Light Buld

Suddenly the younger version of myself appeared, as she always does, standing on a hill, hands on her hips, squinting into the sun. She was observing the box and light. I told Cynthia that she had appeared. She encouraged me to watch what happens.

 

Was there a way to open this box? I wanted it opened. The wispy breath would flow around the box, looking for a way in, but could not get in. Then I saw a circular keyhole that was black as night. It looked like it was clogged with a dark substance. The wispy light would try to work through this keyhole as I breathed, but it seemed like there was no way in.

 

I decided I would make an opening for the light. I used a long silver object and poked through the blackness. The wispy light was able to flow inside the box. Rays of light escaped from the box’s seams, where the top was placed. Those rays of light began to light the dark space around the box.

 

The younger me wanted to go closer but hesitated. She needed to know it was okay. I told Cynthia, and she encouraged her to go, so she walked down the hill to the box. When she got to the box, it was smaller than it appeared from the hill. She was standing up against the front, near the keyhole. The top was just above her head. She wanted to look inside to see the light filling the box, so she lifted the top and pushed it all the way open. The top hinged away and folded against the back of the box.

 

The younger me looked inside and saw light swimming and flowing within the box. It did not light up the entire space, but stayed within the confines of the box. She wanted to feel the light. Would it be warm? It looked inviting, so she climbed in the box and lay on her side. She curled up into a little ball and let the light flow over and around her.

 

I told Cynthia, who had her hands on my back, behind my heart. She asked me how the light felt. The younger me was warm and happy, feeling the light shining all the way through her. I observed a warm feeling in my chest, where the box was perceived. It started to spread all around and down my back.

 

I was quiet for a while, feeling the light shining through me and my younger self. When Cynthia asked me what was happening, I noticed that my younger self had started dancing within the box, dancing with the flow of the wispy, warm light. She was beaming and so happy. She was dancing without thinking. She was doing what felt good and right, not what was expected of her. When I told Cynthia, she was excited for the younger me.

 

Then I told her my younger self had kicked down one of the walls. It was the front of the box, one of the longer sides of the rectangle, where the keyhole was. She felt her happiness was confined and wanted it to spread. When she did that, the light began to spill out from the front of the box. She liked that, so she kicked the back of the box, the other long side. This wall fell as well and the wispy light spilled out of the back as well.

 

She walked over to one of the shorter sides and pushed it down, with a big smile on her face. She was so happy to be destroying the confinement. Finally the last wall only took a slight poke of the index finger and it was down as well.

 

Now she stood in the middle of the floor of the old box, with all the sides, now on their backs. The light filled the space and my younger self stood, smiling with her arms stretched out and above her head. She spun in circles watching the wisps of light move as she did. She was happy and proud.

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Cynthia placed her hands back on my feet as she did in the beginning of the session. I was in a different place than when everything began. Would I feel any vibrations? I didn’t worry about it. I just let it go and went back to the light inside.

Bing sunlight

Suddenly I felt shaking on the left side of my body. Then I felt it in my back, my legs, my feet and finally on my right side. Cynthia’s hands were on my feet and I told her I was shaking. That was the vibration I wondered about. Cynthia explained that I was allowing my life energy to flow through me, and that is good.

 

At the end of the session I learned how powerful and poetic it was. I found this validating to hear. Being encouraged to continue with whatever appeared helped me relax and go with the flow. Deep down, I thought the box represented closing off. I thought that since it was bigger and took up more space, I was possibly putting up even more walls of defense.

 

Cynthia saw it from another perspective. She said that it was growth. Transitioning from a tightly wound ball of stringy tar last week, to a box which allowed light in and was able to be destroyed was a good thing. It was hollow, not solid; I could climb in and the interior was transformed from dark to light. There was no fear present, only happiness, warmth and pride for feeling and doing instead of thinking and doing. It was an amazing experience.”

 

I am so touched by Carla’s experience, and I received the gift of her revelations. I am honored, and hope you embrace the light she revealed as well.

 

Namaste

Cynthia

 

 

 

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There are No Words: Carla chapter One

There are many forms of abuse, that is, when one person hurts another causing pain, trauma and suffering.  Recently I have talked about adult relationships and how one party overpowers or bullies the other. Their partner unconsciously colludes with the abuser, sometimes unknowingly giving their own power to the bully.

Bing Childhood trauma

What happens when a child is overpowered (by nature the power valance is skewed since the child is dependent and the adult is in charge) and that adult misuses parental power without a balance of love and compassion?  The results can be devastating.  One such instance occurred with one of my clients whose session will be detailed in the next blog. With her permission I will share this powerful and touching experience which she had during a Reiki Fusion session (please see my website cynthiamchase.com for a fuller explanation of the process).

 

The background is tragic.  Her mother abandoned her when she was two years old, moving out-of-state.  For privacy reasons, let’s call her Carla.  Her mother promised to have her come and visit, but in spite of her hopes and wishes, it never happened.  Carla was left in the care of her father, a man not cut out to be a parent, and certainly not the sole parent.  She grew up afraid of him, his gruff and judgmental ways.  She describes him as stoic, stubborn, confrontational, self-absorbed and insecure.  She always feared he would abandon her, like her mother did, but he did not.  Her fears guided her behavior and created a “false self” to keep him present.

Bing Scared Children

Carla was a gifted and sensitive child.  He may have done the best he could but with her sensitive ways, she learned she had to cut off her feelings in order to survive.  Feelings were not allowed!  She numbed herself and hid, even from herself.  She hid the pain and suffering over the loss of her mother and the harsh and cold ways of her father.  She became dissociated from her real feelings, her real self.  She walked around “as if” she was there, but she actually had “vacated.”  Her energy body left her physical body and hovered by her side.

She knew she wasn’t herself but had no idea how to find herself after years of shutdown and avoidance.  She asked me if she would have to go through the memories of the neglect and abuse, or was there another way, a shortcut? Could she heal without traveling through the devastation, reliving it and going through the trauma all over again, this time with full consciousness?

 

When neglect and abuse are visited upon a little being who hasn’t even learned to conceptualize, talk, or process, there are no words for it.  This is what makes “talk therapy” so ineffective.  You can’t find the words, phrases, insights, or experiences without a cognitive context from which to access.

There are many excellent approaches, both modern and ancient that can be used to treat pre-verbal (sometimes called pre-oedipal) traumas.  Some methods urge the patient to re-experience the traumas, but under certain circumstances re-traumatization can deepen the rift.  The gift of Reiki Fusion is that, if necessary, memories can emerge briefly, then released – freeing blocked energy and opening to a lighter, joyful experience.

 

The next blog will be an in-depth description of deep healing that allows a part of Carla’s Higher Self, Spirit, or what I call Witness, to discover the wisdom, power and strength that she never thought she possessed. The answers did not come from me, but from the amazing being that she is (and that we all are).  My purpose was to guide her and have faith in her own process.  She was deeply surprised by her discovery.  I have come to expect, that with patience and faith, we all have the strength and wisdom within us to get us through the darkest of times.

Bing light as jeasus:candle

 

See you next time

How can I forgive?

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New  you begin to see the true nature of the abusive relationship you have been in. Colored glasses off, the clarity is blinding. It is like flying above the devastation of an earthquake and fire. Down below is wreckage, vast stretches of ash and rubble.  The world you tried to create is gone.

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You know seeing clearly is the first step in creating a new reality, but that look back to where you have been hurts so.  You may wonder, how can I ever forgive myself? You might ask, how can I forgive the blindness, the inability to stand up for myself? How can I forgive betraying myself?  How did I allow the degradation, the abuse, and even promote it?  Why did I keep it secret?

How could I have let the need for love and approval stand in the way of seeing clearly?  How did I allow fear to control me?  How did I allow my needs and fears to create an illusory world, rather than the one I really lived in?

Being honest with yourself is difficult, but look both ways:  honor your strengths, your attempts at health, as well as see clearly the ways in which you twisted reality to your own detriment.

Carrying around bitterness, anger and resentment is toxic.  You are the one who gets sick. It contaminates all relationships and undermines everything you touch. You may wonder, how will I ever find peace of mind and the freedom to look forward, instead of being stuck in the devastating past?

Do you ever feel trapped by your hurt and anger – wearing it like a straight-jacket? You may be exhausted by the raging inner battle of self hate competing with hate of the other?

Getting past denial can lead to the murky waters of guilt, resentment, rage and bitterness.  Darkness threatens to overtake the progress that you have made. Without forgiveness of yourself and the other, you remain in the equivalent of Dante’s Hell.

Saying No

Without a strong and consistent No to abuse, you passively allow the attachment to continue. It’s not just no to the real flesh and blood person.  It is No to the energetic connection and well, and that is the hardest to release.  Yet, without forgiveness of yourself and the other, the attachment remains stubbornly intact.

What is forgiveness?

Bing forgiveness

Let’s look at the principles of forgiveness to see if we can find a path to the freedom from the pain and fear of an abusive relationship.

It may mean something like this:

  • By releasing the fate of “the other” back to them, we relinquish the false belief that we had control over them at all.  We did try, didn’t we?  By seeing that you are actually “doing them a favor” by honoring their path, you are able to come home to you!
  • Knowing that leaving that empty hole in your heart, you leave open the possibility that you can fill it with healthy energies.  It’s like living on a diet of junk food, giving it up and going through withdrawals.  When you add whole, organic foods, you give your body real fuel, fuel that enables you to live more fully.  Same thing!
  • By giving up the pattern of draining your life force into anger, guilt, bitterness and hatred you transform that energy into saving your own soul.  By forgiving and releasing, YOU are free.  Forgiveness, really, is ultimately about saving yourself.  They are the only one that can save themselves.
  • You have a right to be here for you.  By attaching to someone who disrespects or uses you, you may have created a false identity based around the distorted needs of the other.  What identity would you like to create for yourself?
  • Remembering that feelings are fleeting, changing, always moving you can witness your feelings instead of identifying with them as You.

Steel City Airsoft:calming corners Bing

  • Which takes us to the next point:  The witness!!  If you float above your feelings you will see there is a conscious, wise and centered you.  Don’t see it yet?  Sit still and invite in your elevated consciousness.  When you “look down” you will see the running show of experiences and feelings and thoughts – all changeable and the basis for learning. The Witness is that precious part of yourself that is eternal and on an amazing life journey – capable of connecting with great wisdom and love.
  • Consider this: life is like a play, and we play our part.  That is a role, or we may live multiple roles.  The Witness is your authentic self, not a role.
  • Spiritual growth allows you to actually experience your Higher Self, and the intelligent life force – which may be Christ for one, Allah, or Buddha for another, an infinite number of forms of God-consciousness.  You experience God in your own way, but finding God is a sacred journey which allows you to realize you are not alone. In this way, you can do what seems impossible!

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  • Gratitude for what you do have paves the way for transformation.  Like a caterpillar creates a chrysalis which dissolves into the miraculous butterfly, you too can transform into your own unique shape and with your own flight pattern.
  • It is time to identify those thoughts and beliefs that are twisted on themselves, like:  “It was all my fault.  I was so stupid.  I am guilty of anger and if only I had been stronger.”  These are childhood beliefs (reinforced by your abuser); and when viewed from the adult perspective, you can release them like dandelions blowing in the wind.

Bing Dandelions blowing in the wind

 

What is compassion?

Compassion is the vehicle by which forgiveness can take place.  It is a form of love which accepts fully and unconditionally.  In it is the key to your healing. By loving yourself unconditionally and compassionately you liberate your ability to re-define your Self.

By having compassionate acceptance (and clarity) for your abuser, you can say NO to the destructive dance and embrace yourself.

Namaste,

 

Cynthia

I’m Breathing Now (forth impression)

I had to go deep. I look back at my own mother. Since I was born she hated my father and spewed venom on him, as they lived together in hate for their entire marriage. I saw the model of a ‘marriage’ as hateful, vindictive and contemptuous. I vowed I would never be like my mother, but here I am.

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Now that I know this, it has changed me.  I re-created my mother’s life and I have a choice now to be different!  For the first time in years, I am breathing. With my first breath, I realized that I was holding my breath all this time. It was unconscious. As soon as I breathed in I knew.  With each exhalation, I release my pain.   I feel the change down to my cells. I breathe into my belly and I realize that I need to listen to my gut. It was trying to help me but I denied it. I am listening now.

I meditate and see in my mind’s eye the massive negative thinking and the way in which my thoughts changed me.

I have to start thinking healthier.

Who is going to love me, take care of me, nurture me? Me, that’s who. My sons love me, my family loves me, my friends love me. But I need to love me. I need to see myself realistically – not as a projection of him onto me! I say to myself, you’ve made it this far, and you did it all alone. You are sending two sons off to college, you go to work every day and do an honorable job. You pay your bills without help from anyone. You are stronger than you think.

So I talk to myself now: You are going to be OK.  I bathe myself every moment with loving care.

I put myself in here. I’m the only one that can take me out.

Bing perfectionlove99,bolspot.com

I Own It (Third Impression)

I always knew it wasn’t right. I ignored my knowing. Maybe he was just having a bad day, or he drank too much. He just lost his mother, or his ex-wife wasn’t nice to him. I made excuses for everything he did.

In the beginning it was coming from a loving and compassionate place. I am a loving Mom, so I took care of him, somebody else’s kid. On a cellular level I knew there was something wrong with him, his character.  Over time I squashed my intuition. All the excuses took hold and I denied my wisdom. He really didn’t mean the names he called me, he is just tired. He called my fat, dumb. He told me I bring nothing to the table. Your family and friends laugh at you. You have a terrible job, you are not capable of taking care of yourself and your kids. You are an alcoholic, you are broke. I am glad your ex didn’t give you the money. You don’t deserve it. Why do you think your ex cheated on you?

I now realize I was making excuses for myself, so I didn’t look so bad by accepting the unacceptable! I denied myself the truth. I allowed him to trash me. When I started to wake up I broke up with him, over and over. He kept coming back, wearing me down. I allowed him to get me to the point of rage. I became him. I became vicious and said such mean things to him to get him away from me. I didn’t realize that I was giving him exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to viciously attack him, even to hit him. He wanted me to degrade myself. I have made myself sick by taking in his poison. You know the ‘pain in the ass’ I have? The pain that won’t go away. I know what that is all about now.

The irony: everything he said about me was actually true for him!

I gave him my power.  I denied myself my life. I ALLOWED THIS. How could I have taken away my own power and given it to this idiot? I am capable, smart, a good mother, friend, daughter, sister.

He inundated me with countless emails, texts and calls every minute of the day. Out of fear and loathing I focused my energies on him. Every minute of my waking life was focused on him and what he would say or do next. It changed the way I lived my life, the way I thought and felt. It changed the way I viewed myself. My life was no longer about me. It was about him.

It’s going to take a lot of work to undo the damage inside my head. Five years of brainwashing has taken its toll on me. If I engage in this energy, then I own it.

It’s not about me taking legal action against him, though that is probably coming. His toxic ways have invaded every aspect of my personality. It was like a wholesale invasion. I became him. I spewed it back to him. It makes me feel sick to know how I allowed myself to behave. I became who he wanted me to be. The things I loved and wanted to do I stopped because he was there. I gave up my most precious interests and the things that nurtured me. Hate changed me.

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