Hatred Overwhelms Me (Second Impression)

full moon over water

Addendum to the last post:

“The fog is beginning to lift. I am raw and bleeding.  Hatred has replaced fear now. It is as though hatred has taken on a life of its own.  It consumes me like a fire.  It permeates every cell of my body.  I am deeply embarrassed by the years of pain and hiding.  But isn’t that what he wanted?

I lost my voice.  He systematically, brick by brick, took down the foundation of my life, my personality, my self-esteem.  He worked furiously to distance me from my friends and family.  He found things wrong with them.   He told me my friends thought I was a joke and I didn’t belong in their league.  He said they all talked about me and were ‘whores.’

It’s like a virus that infects everything.  He had me believing the worst things about myself.  He called me names and told me I was the one who needed help.  When he asked questions, he did so for the sole purpose of using my replies to demean, demoralize and embarrass me.

I am just starting to accept that this is the reality I have been living with.  I am exhausted.”

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“I did this!”

Here is the transcript of a therapy session with a client who is suffering from an extended abusive relationship.  The next blog will attempt to answer some of the questions raised by her disturbing story.

Bing watercolor eye drawing

“I fear change.  I tried to prevent his explosions by going along with his abuses.  He trained me to keep quiet while at the same time his viciousness escalated.  I kept his secret, but I didn’t even know it.  I thought I had some control and was trying through patience and education to help him, to improve him and help him heal.  I was wrong.

I see clearly now that the entire relationship was not normal.  What I thought was more positive in the beginning was actually an elaborate manipulation.  Before I knew it I was hooked.  When I started to see what happened I was in so deep that I had to hide it from my family and friends, even my therapist.  It was all too humiliating and embarrassing.

I did this.  I should have seen through the elaborate mask.  This is my fault. Someone smarter or stronger would never have put up with what I did.  He called me demeaning names, called  me fat, ugly, no one else would ever want me so I was lucky that he put up with me.  He hit me, and I still let him back in. The Fuck You have entered into every cell in my body now.  I hold it. It is mine now.  He has worked on me for five years, and now I am contaminated completely.  No matter how much I wash, pray, clear, cleanse, I can’t get rid of the belief that he is right.  I am nothing.

But then I go back and forth.  I hate him.  I want him dead.  How dare you do this to me? Just die.  I feel better only when he leaves.  But then the minute I pull away, he senses it and he comes after me with constant text, emails or phone calls.  If I don’t answer he comes to my house and demands entrance, only to give me more abuse and threats.

His ability to manipulate and control was far better than I ever could have imagined.  He has attached himself to me and like a barnacle to a rock,  I can’t get rid of him. I am helpless and hopeless.

No matter how many times we have gone through the charade, when I try to escape he pleads his love for me, and he just doesn’t understand how I could blindsided him like this.  How could I be so cruel and stupid?  What is the matter with me?  How dare I manipulate and abuse him in this way?  Don’t I realize how lucky I am? Who else would put up with my drama?

I’ve already blocked him on my phone many times.  He comes back with a vengeance and he wears me down so I let him back in.  For a brief moment I believe him, or even if I don’t, I am tired of fending him off.  Exhausted.  Each time I let him back in, the weaker I become.

I am not safe.  I never have been.  I don’t even know what safe is.  I can’t have one day, one moment of peace.  Everything I try to do is undermined by his penetrating evil.  I will lose my mind if I don’t get him out of me.  I am so mad at myself.  I am disgusted by my powerlessness.  I am trapped.

You know what shocks me?  He knows nothing about me.  He just wants to control me, make me his – without regard to how I feel, what I need or want.  He has no love for me.  He actually wants to destroy me, kill me – or even better, set me up to finish off the job he has started.

I am deeply ashamed and humiliated.

Can you help me?  Am I beyond hope?”

Why is it so hard to let go?

Bing honeybunny-queenbee.blogspot.comYou know you have been disrespected.  You know what happened is not right.  You know that you “should” just walk on, so why is it so hard to let go?

The longer you hang on (in person or in your head)  the more the fabric of your self is shredded and bloody.  You know that.  You know you were used.  You know you were toyed with, at the same time as you poured the dreams into a vessel with a hole at the bottom.  You knew, but continued.  It is as though you created a false reality using hope and dream as the measure of a life.  What came back didn’t hold any relation to what you had hoped to create.  It is the dark shadow of your hopes.

So, how do you view  yourself in the insanity of false creation? Good money after bad, so what does that make you?  What does that make that part of your life?  If you are so used and disrespected, do you see yourself as pathetic and weak?  Does that self-hate promote the hanging on?  Do you beg in self-loathing?  Does this mean that you are not worth much?

How can you view that loss, that time spent in false hope?

How can your turn this pain into valuable lesson?  How can you hold on to the Greater You that replaces the Lost Self?

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