“Excellent post! It’s very overwhelming when your emotions are controlled by the abuser. Being with an abuser who has you so embedded with fear, you feel like you are cemented by their unpredictable behaviors. My question is how do you overcome those emotions that the abuser planted in you. I feel like a flower that is being strangled by the weeds that grow around it where it’s unable to grow and be nurtured. To overcome those fears feels like jumping into an ocean and not knowing how to swim. I don’t know how to overcome what he as embedded into me for years.”
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post! This is the heart of the issue. How do we honor ourselves by choosing a life that is safe and nurturing? I’d like to share some ideas for you to consider:
- Your mind is more powerful than you think. If your thought process holds the belief that you are weak, powerless and enslaved by another, you are indeed a slave.
- Your own belief system can be the most debilitating part of your life.
- Your belief determines your expectations.
- We never deal directly with the reality. We deal with what we believe the reality to be.
- A negative belief will create a negative experience.
- We actually create the world around us through our conscious, or unconscious beliefs.
“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” James Allen
If our beliefs are so important, we need to know the source of our beliefs. It may not be as obvious as you think. As dependent beings who are in the process of developing the cognitive abilities to process information and experiences, we learned so much about ourselves and the world around us but have no memory of those early lessons (at least for most of us.) These learning experiences are unconscious but form the foundation of our beliefs.
Later, we make choices in the formation of our world that conform with those earlier assumptions. Each choice paints the complete picture of our particular life. Consider the life of a child who has been beaten, demeaned and humiliated as compared with the child who has been treasured, supported and nurtured. Each of them has been “taught” how to view themselves and make choices consistent with their experience.
Not all learning takes place in childhood. It continues. So, if you were treated with love and saw your parents in a loving and respectful relationship the groundwork has been set for you to choose and to expect a loving and respectful relationship for yourself.
If it turns out that you unknowingly chose a man that became a drug addict, one who cheated on you and was physically and emotionally abusive to you – what is the lesson here? Will the original lessons lead you out of an abusive relationship or will your husband “teach” you that you are unworthy and that you “deserve” his punishment?
How to change your beliefs
Are you a product of your past? Do you have a choice about that?
- If you want to change, identify what beliefs you are holding. Sometimes the only way we can do that is to look at our behavior and choices. Look at the life you have created and imagine the assumptions you are holding.
- For example, if you are with a man who is abusive to you, and you remain with him, we can assume on some level that you feel you deserve this, that you accept this treatment of you as valid.
- Identify new beliefs consistent with the person you want to be: “I am worthy of love and respect.” “I honor and love myself.” “My life is complete. I have all that I need.”
- Repeat your new mantra constantly and with constant effort.
- Use the power of belief to create your world in a positive way – rather than allowing fear based beliefs that limit or deny
- Key: then act on it! Make choices consistent with your new beliefs.
- This is a fancy word for making it happen.
- Think, believe and act as though it has already happened.
- See, feel, taste, smell, and hear as though you have already received whatever you have asked for: visualize in detail, using all of your senses, the state of being that you seek.
- Your unconscious mind believes what you tell it. Make it so.
- I speak to you specifically about your fear and how you have allowed yourself to be controlled.
- The antidote: I choose my life. I am powerful. I am unavailable to your manipulations. I am strong. I make choices every day to honor myself. I no longer accept your belief system. I have my own. I act on my beliefs. I choose safety and protection. Every behavior reflects the belief that I am worthy.
- This takes work and consciousness. It is very hard because your automatic negative thoughts and beliefs sneak back in. Be vigilant! It is worth it. You are worth it.
- Then, and this may be the hardest part: be ready to receive! Be aware of the unexpected gifts, opportunities. Be aware of your intuition: do not deny it.
- It’s called the law of attraction. You’ve used it your whole life but didn’t know it. Use it consciously now to create the life you want.
- Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled!
- Write down what you want. Be very detailed and specific.
- Visualize yourself already being and possessing what you want.
- Be aware of the little synchronicities in life: they are like magical and unexpected gifts – a door opening for you.
- Monitor negative thoughts; replace with a belief of success.
- I am on fire with my own life force. I AM.