Response to a Meditation on Reality: “I’m digging deep”

I am going to share with you the response of a reader to the “meditation on reality.” She is doing courageous work and it may help others. I hope it will help you. She writes:


“I recall the meditation on my own reality and I can tell you, it isn’t pretty: As I close my eyes I am almost shocked at what I see. I reviewed what happened last night and it is as though I was numb to it at the time.


As I see it re-play from this distance, I feel my fear. He started in on me as I was lying in bed with my three-year old daughter. He ‘blew up’ right in front of us both. As I meditate on what happened, I see in my mind’s eye his face; it was three inches from my face; I see the spit flying; I hear him cursing. I see his face turn red, his neck bulges and his mouth twists in contempt. I see the rage in his eyes and face, in his whole body as he yells at me that he hates me more than anyone else in his life. He screams at me, ‘I wish you were dead.’ My daughter shrinks behind me, trying to disappear.


Because I see who he really is now I don’t play into his manipulations as much as I used to. I ignore him and go on with my life. He sees that he is not able to control me like before and he is furious about it. So he escalates his attack. His rage is one more attempt to overwhelm me and let me know that he is in control, and if I dare to challenge him, I will pay.


Then I turn my inner eye on myself: I see that as he rages I am frozen. I sit paralyzed. I use the bedroom as my safety zone and he invaded my safety. I look at my face and see a blank stare, but as I look into my heart I see terror. I realize that I am afraid of him physically, emotionally and psychologically. This is so hard to admit.


I see that I feel totally helpless. I can’t bear to see that. I feel helpless to protect myself or the children. I’ve tried so hard to act like I am invulnerable to him and his attacks. But I am not. I am terrified. Fear keeps me frozen in this place.


I see that I justify staying with him because he is ‘the devil I know’. I am afraid of that unknown devil out there. At least I (usually) have some measure of control over myself and some means of carving out a measure of safety here. I fear the unknown. Or is this just a rationalization for staying in place?


I think back over the years. I am shocked to recognize that he has made choices and then cries out that he is a victim. I see now that he orchestrates his so-called victimization. He tries to make people feel bad for him for what he himself has created! He is the one who cheated on me and now he has fabricates in his own mind my infidelity. He is obsessed with this delusion and nothing I can say or do affects his “belief.” I am victimized by his suspicions and recriminations, yet he plays out his victim role of a husband cheated on! He actually blames me for humiliating him and ruining his life. It is like living in Hell!


Then I see one more layer in this Hell I have created: I stay because I don’t want others to see me as a failure. I can’t bear to have his family see me as he does. I can’t bear to be viewed as a cheating wife, but nothing I have said or done changes their perception of me. Why do I care what they think? I know the truth, but that is not good enough.


I realize I have worked so hard for something that was doomed to fail. This is an unbearable revelation.


One step deeper: I see that he is like a huge spider and I am caught in his web. The more I struggle the more I am caught in the sticky web. I see that he wants nothing less than my death. His rage is unquenchable.


No more head in the clouds. No more hope based on false perception of reality. Now that I see the chains and the dimension of my hell, I look for the light. I am open to inspiration.

Window red bars on a white wall and demolished with forest view





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