Response to a Meditation on Reality: “I’m digging deep”

I am going to share with you the response of a reader to the “meditation on reality.” She is doing courageous work and it may help others. I hope it will help you. She writes:


“I recall the meditation on my own reality and I can tell you, it isn’t pretty: As I close my eyes I am almost shocked at what I see. I reviewed what happened last night and it is as though I was numb to it at the time.


As I see it re-play from this distance, I feel my fear. He started in on me as I was lying in bed with my three-year old daughter. He ‘blew up’ right in front of us both. As I meditate on what happened, I see in my mind’s eye his face; it was three inches from my face; I see the spit flying; I hear him cursing. I see his face turn red, his neck bulges and his mouth twists in contempt. I see the rage in his eyes and face, in his whole body as he yells at me that he hates me more than anyone else in his life. He screams at me, ‘I wish you were dead.’ My daughter shrinks behind me, trying to disappear.


Because I see who he really is now I don’t play into his manipulations as much as I used to. I ignore him and go on with my life. He sees that he is not able to control me like before and he is furious about it. So he escalates his attack. His rage is one more attempt to overwhelm me and let me know that he is in control, and if I dare to challenge him, I will pay.


Then I turn my inner eye on myself: I see that as he rages I am frozen. I sit paralyzed. I use the bedroom as my safety zone and he invaded my safety. I look at my face and see a blank stare, but as I look into my heart I see terror. I realize that I am afraid of him physically, emotionally and psychologically. This is so hard to admit.


I see that I feel totally helpless. I can’t bear to see that. I feel helpless to protect myself or the children. I’ve tried so hard to act like I am invulnerable to him and his attacks. But I am not. I am terrified. Fear keeps me frozen in this place.


I see that I justify staying with him because he is ‘the devil I know’. I am afraid of that unknown devil out there. At least I (usually) have some measure of control over myself and some means of carving out a measure of safety here. I fear the unknown. Or is this just a rationalization for staying in place?


I think back over the years. I am shocked to recognize that he has made choices and then cries out that he is a victim. I see now that he orchestrates his so-called victimization. He tries to make people feel bad for him for what he himself has created! He is the one who cheated on me and now he has fabricates in his own mind my infidelity. He is obsessed with this delusion and nothing I can say or do affects his “belief.” I am victimized by his suspicions and recriminations, yet he plays out his victim role of a husband cheated on! He actually blames me for humiliating him and ruining his life. It is like living in Hell!


Then I see one more layer in this Hell I have created: I stay because I don’t want others to see me as a failure. I can’t bear to have his family see me as he does. I can’t bear to be viewed as a cheating wife, but nothing I have said or done changes their perception of me. Why do I care what they think? I know the truth, but that is not good enough.


I realize I have worked so hard for something that was doomed to fail. This is an unbearable revelation.


One step deeper: I see that he is like a huge spider and I am caught in his web. The more I struggle the more I am caught in the sticky web. I see that he wants nothing less than my death. His rage is unquenchable.


No more head in the clouds. No more hope based on false perception of reality. Now that I see the chains and the dimension of my hell, I look for the light. I am open to inspiration.

Window red bars on a white wall and demolished with forest view






What does a healthy relationship look like? The Old and the New Paradigm

We have certainly seen the dark side of relationship, but if we have never had, nor have never seen a truly loving relationship, how do we know what to create?  What does it look like?

Here is one way to delve into this mystery:  I will set out a comparison between what I call the Old Relationship Paradigm and the New Relationship Paradigm.  Some of these comparisons have to do with male-female relationships, others are not related to gender; some are related to larger historical and cultural aspects.  Here goes:

The old way is based on power.  The new way is based on respect; respect for each other and for life itself.  This is the prime directive in a loving relationship.

  • The Old:  I seek power over you.  I seek to dominate and control you.  I compete with you.  I want to win. I seek to conquer and defeat.  I am a warrior.  I am in a power struggle.
  • The New:  I seek collaboration and partnership.  I want us both to win.  I want us to learn from each other.
  • The Old:  I am greater than you.
  • The New:  We are different but equal.
  • The Old:  I create drama as a means of being the center of attention.
  • The New:  I seek calm, connectedness and closeness.
  • The Old:  I am ego-driven.  My personality rules.  I look out for myself.
  • The New:  I thrive on respect and balance.  I am spiritual; I seek your happiness as much as my own.
  • The Old:  I use my persona for protection.  I won’t let you get really close to me so I won’t get hurt.
  • The New:  I am vulnerable and authentic.
  • The Old:  I blame you in order to avoid looking bad.
  • The New:  I accept responsibility for myself and want to learn from my mistakes.
  • I am aggressive and push to have my way.
  • I seek intuition and allow for the highest good to manifest.  It’s not all about me.
  • The Old:  I hold on to grudges and thrive on vengeance.
  • The New:  I seek to forgive myself and others.  I release anger.  I seek love as transformative.
  • The Old:  I focus on order and discipline.
  • The New:  I value flexibility.

warrier statue -detail

  • The Old:  I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone.
  • The New:  I surrender and trust in the Divine.
  • The Old:  I choose to conquer nature.  I take what I want.  I don’t care who or what it hurts.  I do what it takes to be rich and powerful.  I use whatever means necessary  to win.
  • The New:  I recognize that we are all interconnected; everything is sacred.  I honor the need for balance.  I know what true wealth is.  I understand that Love is all that matters.
  • The Old:  Historical male domination gives me license to dominate you.
  • The New:  I understand that my true power is in embracing the feminine in you.
  • The Old:  I manipulate from a position of weakness as a woman; I have learned to manipulate and resent you.
  • The New:  I accept my feminine gift of vulnerability and receptivity and embrace your masculine urge to hold and protect.

creazione uomo

A Meditation on Reality

You see how I have guided you to an open meditation, leaving yourself available to see what emerges.  How is it going for you?

Today, I invite you to a more specific meditation.  Here goes:

Sit in your meditation position.

portrait of meditating yogi

Part One:  Your feet on the floor, hands resting comfortably in your lap.  Close your eyes.  Allow yourself to focus on the person in your life that is disturbing to you, the one that your feel may have betrayed you, the one that manipulates or abuses you.

Look at their face.  Use your imagination to see the details of their face, their expression, their mouth, eyes.  This takes courage.  Remember the words they have spoken to you.  Remember their behaviors toward you.  Go over in detail what they have done and said to you.

Leave behind the rationalizations for their words or behavior.  Just look, like a movie.  Witness from a distance.  Take off your rose-colored glasses and see clearly what is in front of you.  Look carefully at their words, how the mouth sets, the position of the body, the body language, the actions.

Pause, then press forward, slowly.  Look with open eyes.  Allow the clouds to part.

You may feel fear at what you see:

a green snake head in the hole

You can deny your truth and be at the mercy of it, or see it.  Once seen hold still bravely.  Keep looking at the cold truth.  Hold your focus.

Part Two:  Now turn to look at yourself.  Notice how you feel as you “see” the other.  Notice in which part of your body your emotional reactions lie.  There may be layers of truth and layers of emotion surfacing. Do not run:  feel the emotions.  Emotions are your inner friends guiding you on your path.   Now use your mind and imagination to look at your own face, the words you have spoken, the behaviors which you have lived in relation to the other.

See clearly.  Sit with the experience even though it may be uncomfortable.

Part Three:  Now leave the door open to inspiration.  Now that you have seen layers of “truths” in the other and in yourself, allow discovery of the path which leads to your highest good.  Leave space for a message to bubble up from deep within you – a message from you to you.  Allow it to be  a message of hope and salvation.

Digital eye