Why am I addicted to you? I am your prisoner

 

 

 Man and woman hands and breaking handcuffs

 

One of the mysteries of manipulative, abusive relationships is the feeling that, despite all rationality, the victim feels no choice but to stay.  The feeling of helplessness is profound.  Systematic degrading of the self creates destroys the feeling of self-worth, freedom and independence. 

Let me speak in the first person to show one version of what it might be like inside:

“I hate you.  You have hurt me in ways that are evil.  I am a spider caught in your web.  Why don’t you see me?  Can’t you see how much I have done to please you, to make you happy, how I have tried to give you what you want?  Why am I never good enough for you?  You tell me you can never please me no matter how hard you try.  How can you twist it around so?

I beg you to have mercy on me.  I can’t bear to think about being separate from you.  I can’t do it on my own.  I am broken.  You are the only one who can save me.  Please love and accept me.  No one else can do this for me. 

I used to be strong.  I have lost that person.  I am a shell.  My ankles are shackled and my feet are heavy, like stuck in cement. I am paralyzed.  I stand here and argue with you in an endless rant.  I get caught up in your endless accusations against me, I try to defend myself – but never win.  You create a world of beliefs in your own head that have nothing to do with me; you are convinced that you see me, but you have created this horrible vision of me that is not me.

You are those things that you call me:  controlling, deceitful, conniving, and uncaring.  You say I have abandoned you but you have left me.  I am not safe with you.  Everything I say or do is misinterpreted:  I am amazed at your creative distortions!  I feel like I am in a maze and can’t find my way out.

I can’t win.  You are smarter than me in.  You are endlessly creative in the ways in which you see me as deficient, devious and hateful.  I keep trying though.  I try to defend.  The more I try, the more I fail, and the more I feel trapped.

I have become so used to this trap that I feel naked and ashamed when I step out of the maze.  I feel deeply embarrassed outside of our relationship.  I don’t want anyone else to see how helpless I am, how small and damaged I have become.  This keeps me tied to you.  You are the jailer and I am your prisoner.  You hold the key.

If only you loved me.  If only you saw me.  Life would be good.  We could have the kind of relationship I have dreamed of.  We had it once.  Why can’t we get it back?

I love you.  I don’t care what anybody says.  I know I am confused but I can’t give up hope.  I will do anything to make this right.  If I find the right argument, the right approach, I just have to reach you.  I keep giving, doing the right thing even though you are incredibly mean to me.

Now I hate me.  I question whether you are right about me.  I “know” this is not true, but I feel it must be true – otherwise why would you so vehemently believe what you do about me?  I must be as bad as you say.  I surrender.  I accept responsibility for myself.

But then you push me over the edge.  You have gone too far this time. I crack near to breaking.  I yell, I break out – and then you really come at me.  Now you have proof that I am crazy.  My emotional reaction proves you are right about me.   You punish me, again.

I can’t let anyone else get too close to me.  They don’t understand what it is like in here.  No one else can understand the forces which keep me here.  No matter how hard they try, their caring and logic is no match for the magnetic force that draws me to you.   I don’t understand myself.  I am amazed because a part of me knows this is insane.  Why do I stay?  Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over?  I must be stupid.

You are killing my spirit.  I find myself becoming cold.  I am walled off and curl up in my heart surrounded by darkness.  There is no hope.  I walk around in a daze.  I remove myself from myself.  I watch myself like a witness, from a distance. I am a robot.

You can’t get to me now.  It doesn’t matter what you do to me anymore.  I am gone.”

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4 Comments

  1. When u feel u hit rock bottom n there is no place to go… U r wrong !!!

    When I WAS there I thought the same thing but I had a wise woman to help me back home. Home to myself. Home to who I am that I thought was lost. It took a bit of time to dig out of the grave that I allowed someone to put my soul in.

    I continuously reminded myself that I am a great person with a lot to give. I learned that I cannot change someone n once I took control of that things started to change. Not always for the best. There was a lot of struggling with in but I didn’t give up. I Took time for myself and read blogs after blogs that assisted me with gaining n regaining strength. I gave my brain a break by diving into things I liked to do n after doing that for awhile it became second nature.

    I looked at my children, which gave me the reason not fall victim to bullying whether it be physical or verbal or emotional. I refuse to have them grow up thinking it’s ok n normal.

    I picked up the pieces to my shattered soul n began to reject his perceptions of me which led me to even more strength. I was use calm voice and simply state that his perceptions of me were his own distortion n they r untrue. His circular conversation went on for days between himself. I simply learned, which takes a while, to not take what he says to heart because I became aware of his Antics and I was home to my truth my worth.

    I came back to God. I prayed every night. Not for him but for myself. To give me the strength that I needed to keep my head up n to remain on the path of growth. I dug deep in my soul to find that angel that I thought was gone but he was there (my father) guiding me in my darkest nights.

    I also learned to let go of anger n resentment bc I didn’t want to be that person who was always bitter n cold. That was my biggest fear. I refuse to allow someone else disposition or anger to dictate my life. I learned not to take on someone else anger n make it my own. It was his faults that he was coming to terms with that he was battling. I did not allow him to put it on me. Again it was a HUGE battle for months but I never let go I always came home to myself and began to listen to that inner voice, not the one in my heAd but the one that’s right in the middle of the soul . I let go of my fears bc I know God n his spirit is there protecting me n guiding me.

    I still have work ahead but it is all worth it!

    Reply
    • Congratulations! you are on your way to true freedom and empowerment. You are an inspiration to others. Yes!!!, thank you, Cynthia

      Reply
  2. Wow! Every person who has been in a relationship with a Socoipath has been through those “exact emotions” and as much as family and friends are there to support, no one will ever understand unless they have been with SP, and i prey none of my close friends or family ever do.
    I

    Reply
    • Rescued2015 you are so right!!! No matter how many supporters you have, they will not understand the pain, anguish, and torment that is dealt with on a daily basis.
      I thank God everyday that I am still standing but standing stronger than ever. I kept the faith and believed in God and in myself.

      Reply

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